Today is a cold day with the temperature being a crisp 36 degrees Fahrenheit. The chill settled into my bones and I trembled in the chill air. I shrugged into my sweater and hurried to get the kids ready and off to school. Then sitting down at my computer I began my morning.

Blogging has proven to be a slight challenge this past week. It has been one week since my friend passed away and it is incredibly difficult to focus on much of anything. A mix of emotions have been overwhelming, keeping me from performing even the simplest of tasks.

Two days ago I wrote her an obituary since she will not be remembered by any newspaper. I needed to provide her that type of closure. Provide myself that closure.

Yesterday I wrote about silver linings. It is difficult to look for the silver linings in such times as these. But still I must look for them. The darkness is difficult, the grief is strong. Yet I still write. Yet I still ink.

The next few days will continue to be hard as the grief remains. I struggle with tears even now as I write, remembering her words. “Girl, don’t you ever give up, for me, promise me, you won’t give up. Not your writing, not your drawing, not your love for nature and kids, don’t give up.” So for her sake, I will keep my word, and continue, and persevere.

Today I intend to persevere and work hard accomplishing as many tasks as I can. Tomorrow the kids only have a half day of school so it will be busy when they get off at noon.

Today I will smile. Today I will continue and not quit. Today is a new day.

You cannot make your decisions in life based upon what everyone around you expects you to do. Decisions have to be made according to what your heart and soul desire, what is truly inside you. What other people state is to be isn’t necessarily what is to be for you as your own individual. You must discover what kind of person you are inside and become your own person and individual. In word and deed, become your own person and be true to yourself.

Every cloud has its silver lining.

In every dark circumstance, there is some good. No matter what is happening, although it may seem the worst in life, there is bound to be something positive as long as I keep the right perspective. Always focusing on the good, even when the darkness seems closing in from all directions, will help in making my life and clouds have that silver lining. I must only search for the light and good in the hard times. Looking for the good in the midst of the bad and focusing upon it, then I will find that silver lining.

It has been incredibly difficult since I lost my friend. Despite the sorrow, I look for the silver lining. She was a dear friend, she made me laugh, she kept me focused on the good. This is the silver lining for me. Remembering her and what she taught me.

On Tuesday, October 8^th, 2019, Gracciee J, dear friend, passed away at age 21 after a three year battle with cancer. She was born on an unknown date to unknown parents and grew up an orphan. She had no family save her best friend Vallery K, whom she called “frend”, sister, and mom.

Gracciee had a passion for the mountains with her favorite place to go being the Rocky Mountain region. She enjoyed reading, although her ability was limited. She loved historical fiction and fan fiction. She loved coffee and drank her own brew she discovered while traveling. Her love for children showed as she would often sit to watch the kids play and interacted with orphans around the country. The majority of her life was a mystery but she knew she was loved by her few friends.

Gracciee was preceded in death by her adopted sister Jaz, age 7 in 2007. She is survived only by her friends, Vallery K, Susan F, and Brand P, who will never forget the way she touched their lives.

There will be no funeral service as she departed to an unknown location to die alone with her doctor. Her heart and love will always be remembered.

Do you hear me?

Hear me when I call?

The sorrow is deep inside me

I make no sound at all.

My heart is deeply hurting

The pain inside is deep

No tears my eyes creating

Though within my soul they seep.

The stars no longer showing

The darkness creeps in still

I long to be free this burden

But it’s stronger than my will.

I know this time will pass though

I just need time to mourn

For after the dark night passes

Beyond it comes the morn.

I will be okay I tell me

I just need time to breathe

For once the sorrows passing

I’ll remember times as these.

The laughter, joy, and jesting

The heart than shone so bright

Her life was hard with darkness

But she overcame the night.

She rose with love at friendship

And touched my life with hers

Her memory will not be fading

As simple as they were.

I miss you Grcciee, friend

I never will forget

The love we shared in friendship

Found since the day we met.

I love you, Gracciee, friend

I hope to see you gain 

Peace in rest and slumber

And maybe see you again

The Captain sailed the seas, her heart belonged to the water, her head focused on the details.

She sailed passed giant trees that grew within the water, strong and beautiful, unafraid of the storms. They stood strong within the foaming fray. 

She sailed past rapid waterfalls, which cascaded into the sea. Strong, unafraid of the deep waters, joined the waters as a whole. Bold and beautiful as it joined the fray of the wild power of the ocean. 

She sailed past giant mountains seeping lava down its sides. Molten rock touching the water, cooling, becoming solid as the ocean waters beat upon the shore. The mountain strong and glorious, beautiful and undaunted at the fierceness of the seas. 

Lifting her head she gazed at the sea as the waves crashed upon the bow. She was fierce, strong, and beautiful. Her heart unfearful of the glorious adventures within the gales. Bold, unafraid, she rode the waves with her heart apart of the very sea. Fiery when necessary, she was calm and collective during the squalls. She was the ocean, the trees, the waterfall, the mountain. She was one with them. She was the Captain, and she was beautiful.

In memory of Captain Grianne.

A dear friend of mine said this about my husband.

“ (He) listens to you without dismissing your needs, wants, fears, and hopes. (He) holds you and doesn’t brush you off when you try to tell him something is going on. (He) respects your skills and abilities.”

Yesterday, a friend of mine passed away after battling cancer for three years. She was twenty-one. Too young. 

I am in mourning and my husband held me while I sat numb. He listened while I recalled details of her. He just held me. It helped.

This blog is short but I am grateful for my husband. He is an amazing man.

According to Wikipedia “”A sword is a bladed, melee weapon intended for slashing or thrusting that is longer than a knife or dagger, consisting of a long blade attached to a hilt.””

According to Quora “”Ancient Egyptians invented the sword during the Bronze Age. Other cultures soon adopted swords, and they became popular. The sword evolved from the dagger and was made of arsenic copper or tin bronze. The sword symbolized liberty and faith and was said to be the emblem for military honor.””

According to https://www.medievalchronicles.com/medieval-weapons/medieval-scabbard/ “”The name ‘Scabbard’ comes from an old French word, the English term is sheath.

• Medieval scabbards protected soldiers and knights daggers and swords from damage.
• Wood and leather was commonly used in the design of a medieval scabbard.
• Quality medieval scabbards were lined with wool which stopped metal from rusting.
• Quality scabbards would have a locket at the top which gripped the blade.
• Scabbards could be made from soaked and dried leather.””

In short, the sword protects the holder and the sheath protects the sword.

This is how it is how I see my husbands and my relationship. 

He is the sword, protecting me and defending me from the attackers within my mind. And in turn, I am his sheath, protecting him from the exhaustion of the battle, protecting him from the rusting of fatigue. As a sheath I hold him close to protect his heart. 

As a sword he keeps me safe. As a sheath, I keep him safe. 

We fail each other sometimes, a missed strike, a slight cut, a failed lock, wet wool and a little rust, but we remain, a pair made to be together. Made… for each other.

I fail but want to be the best sheath for him I can be.

Lost…
Longing…
Grieving…
Agony…
Helplessness…
Anger…
Fear…

Words to express the feelings

When one is near lost.

Hopeless in the balance

Watching loved ones pass.

Cancer is a killer,

And hearts always break.

No cure, no hope.

She’s leaving.

And with it, 

Part of my heart… 

She takes

Over a year ago I met the most interesting of people. She was crude and open, no filter, yet loving, and sweet. Quite quickly I realized she was ill, very ill. She was losing a battle, with the harshest of diseases. Cancer. Frankly, she was just ready to die. It was in her kidneys, liver, lungs, and within the past few months, spread to her brain and heart. She has but days to live.

My heart is breaking with emotions and words do not come easy right now. I simply ask in this short blog, to keep her in your thoughts and prayers as well as me. She has no family and wishes to die alone. I saw her yesterday which I know in my heart to be the last time I will ever see her again. 

I am 2 blogs behind for blogtober and will attempt to write today to catch up, but my heart is torn.

Another friend of mine helped me put my emotions into words. “Lost. Longing. Grieving. Angry.” Then I expressed I felt unable to do anything. He then said “And that is the worst emotion of all. Helplessness.It is the source of the fury and the fear.” 

It is true, I feel lost, longing to be there for her, grief over losing her, angry cancer destroys lives, helpless to do anything. So I wait, for the final message. She promised to say a final goodbye. And it is agony to wait.